I remember spending many days looking for the ten signs to get rid of him, or a hundred signs, and I am happy that I stopped that quest and started acknowledging some of the ways he is a gift to my life. This completely changed our relationship and whenever I feel stuck, stressed or tempted to walk out the door, I instead ask what is great about him I never acknowledge? What are the gifts of being in this relationship? What can we create together that we wouldn’t apart?
And if you are in a relationship, start looking for what’s great about your partner, how much they adore you, whatever it is you like about them, and you will immediately invite them to choose to be more themselves and a greater gift to the relationship.
And what are your signs that your partner is a keeper? One thing I see strengthening my relationship is my husband calls his parents and brags about me. If I have a new business, or achieve a financial target, really anything at all, he is on the phone sharing the news and celebrating my success. So sign #1 that you have a keeper is they celebrate your accomplishments and lift you up even higher. This also means they do not compete with you but are inspired by you, on your team and having your back.
Sign #2 – A great partner does not need to make you wrong so they can be right. This is major. How much of your relationship are you defending yourself, justifying your choices, or trying to prove that you are right or at least not wrong? Or are you the one who needs to be right? These signs can also reveal if you are a keeper! A commitment to being right or wrong will dominate and control your life and ruin what could be a great relationship. Free yourself and your love life and definitely free your partner by breaking up with judgement.
Judgment takes a huge amount of force and might be the greatest killer let alone limitation of you having a relationship worth keeping. Even if you are “positively judging” your partner, you are missing out on who they really are and everything they would choose to be and bring to your life and relationship. If you do not know how to begin to let go of your addiction to right and wrong, start asking if I wasn’t right, but couldn’t be wrong, what would I choose instead?
This brings me to sign #3 that they’re a keeper, is they follow the fun, not the reasons, not right and wrong, but what is fun, joyful and light. How much fun do you have together? How many relationships do you know that exist today, that are about having FUN? A lot of relationships turn serious and become about suffering together. Are you here to survive your relationship? How much fun are you avoiding that would create a life and relationship you truly love?
Now, speaking of fun, often people add to the fun by telling jokes and looking to entertain, and as some of us have noticed, boys really like it when you laugh at their jokes. I wish that I could pull off an amazing fake laugh. But I suck at lying and you know when I think something is actually funny. This is sign #3 that they are a keeper, they make you laugh but don’t take it personally when you are quiet. And has no expectations of you. All jokes aside, any who is putting expectations on you to behave a certain way, or dress a certain way, or do what they say is a major sign to stop and ask yourself some questions.
And I know this can bring up all of your expectations that you have of you, your relationship and your partner. Before we go on, please do not jump into wrongness or defense of your rightness. I know it makes sense that you should expect him to be a better man, or take care of you when times are tough, wouldn’t a responsible woman have expectations? How much hard work goes into controlling the outcome of your expectations? And how unkind are expectations? Doesn’t every expectation require someone to stop being themselves?, to stop choosing for whatever works for them and match an expectation?
And where do those expectations come from? Do you have any expectations that are not judgements in disguise? And what do you actually gain when someone matches your expectations and judgments? Will your life get better? Are you full of satisfaction and joy? Or are you simply holding onto control? When we try to control each other with expectations, projections, csonclusions, and judgements, we are refusing to have a life and relationships full of surprises, adventures, and growth beyond what we can anticipate. If you are a control freak, that’s not wrong but start asking yourself what am I avoiding by being controlled by my expectations?
If you are in a relationship with someone who has expectations of you other than you will choose whatever works for you, while honoring the relationship, would you dare disappoint them? Are you willing to lose them?
I know it sounds strange and goes against our logical thinking, shouldn’t we hold on tight and never let each other go or we will end up alone? Shouldn’t we hold each other accountable when we are right or wrong? If we think positively, good things will happen. Relationships are hard work and sacrifice and nothing is more important than proving you love someone. If any of that were true, we would all be extremely satisfied and successful. And probably not having these conversations on how twisted and confusing relationships can be.
If you want your relationship to be a keeper, let go. Let it all go. Everything you wish was different, all of your hardened judgements of how wrong they are, all of your fantasies, your comparisons, your past, your dreams, every projection, romantic comedy, drama, telenovela, 50 shades of grey… even your very definitions of relationship, how much of that are you willing to let go of right now? And it’s okay if there are points of view you would rather hold onto or if there is someone you are unwilling to lose, just know that your point of view determines what shows up next, so what point of view will lead you toward more of what you truly desire?
Your desires, those you get to keep, and please acknowledge your desires without turning them into needs, judgments and expectations. Your true desires are yours to know, they have nothing to do with anyone else’s opinions of what you are allowed to desire, or should desire or successful people desire… Your desires that have always been with you, that light you up so much your body turns on, the desires that your parents judged as naughty and wrong, those secret desires you are so ashamed of, who does that shame belong to and if you didn’t need to feel any shame or guilt, what would you like your life to be like?
Our next sign that they are a keeper, is you are creating the life you desire together. One of the most interesting phenomena I have discovered in my relationship is that if one of us is choosing toward the future we desire, more possibilities show up for all of us to have the life we love. Many people justify being alone because they have the freedom to choose for themselves and not have to make sacrifices for their partner? Can you imagine having a relationship with no sacrifice? Where no one chose less for themselves? Where both people had total freedom in choosing for themselves? Independent together? Growing stronger side by side?
What are you creating together? A family? An orgasm? A business? A home? Art? Or are you done creating together? Which is also ok! What if it’s okay that we come together to create something, and then that’s it? We move on to create something else, possibly with someone else, possibly together again one day? If you are creating your relationship through the joy of creating, keep asking if your choices are leading you toward the life you desire, and check in with your partner if they feel happy and are looking toward the future they desire?
Never worry if they want to travel the world and you are ready to spend the next year in your garden, keep choosing and asking questions like how does it get better than this? I wonder how much fun we can have if we let go of our expectations? What else is possible we haven’t even considered yet?
Another sign that they are a keeper! They ask questions! Does your partner ask you questions even if he prefers to give answers or come to your rescue? I know I am a complete weirdo but is there anything hotter than a man who asks questions? If someone is willing to ask questions, they are asking you to acknowledge what you know, not demanding or imposing what they know onto you. I am not saying it isn’t lovely to feel rescued sometimes, but the more you choose to be a damsel in distress, the more stress you are asking for and you do not need to do that to have someone show you affection. Go on a walk and ask questions and there is nothing you can’t handle or create in your life and lovelife.
Are there parts and pieces of your life and relationship you have decided you cannot handle? Or that your partner refuses to look at? Here is our sign number 8 that you have a keeper, if they are willing to have difficult conversations. Is there anything not being said in your relationship? Are you avoiding it out of fear? Niceness? What have you decided is going to happen if you say whatever needs to be said? I have had some moments where I was sure we couldn’t handle the outcome of a conversation and what still astounds me, another phenomena in relationships, is that those impossible conversations are not only possible, but bring you closer. Even after knowing each other for twenty years.
I don’t really have a segway into my next sign but one of the most frustrating relationship killers is jealousy, which can and often abrupts out of nowhere. Are you ever having the best day and your partner gets jealous and you don’t even know why? Once I laughed at another boy’s jokes and my husband was so upset the whole day was ruined because he was sure I was flirting. Jealousy is very annoying and a huge waste of time. It distracts us from having everything we could be choosing to have and is so incessantly painful.
No clarity, fun, ease, joy, orgasmic delight comes from jealousy. Refuse to be jealous and refuse to respond to it. Let him be jealous if he wants to, the less you can react, the less fuel you give to the jealousy fire. Don’t assume jealousy is based on anything you should actually be concerned about. Don’t let it get in your way. If you react calmly and allow them to be upset, they will eventually get over it or keep using it as a way to avoid being close to you but does that really have to be your problem?
