One of the kindest gifts I have ever given was allowing myself to say whatever needs to be said. When I know I require something to be different or I feel the hint of anxiety, or catch myself trying to hide, I ask a question and say whatever is whispering if not screaming to be said. Do you ever notice that some things start as whispers but the longer you wait to listen or respond, turn into screams and shouts? And what exactly do you think you are protecting yourself from when you avoid what you know is fu**ing true.
As you begin to correct the miseducation that guided you away from knowing you are the one leading and creating everything in your life, you might start to wonder what works for your partner and what might not be working for them. This might take some practice and it might also make you feel guilty for how little you have acknowledged their greatness and gifts. It might be easier than acknowledging yourself though, at least that is what I have found.
Look, if you are willing to have sex and be naked with someone, would you also be willing to ask them questions? What is working for you in this relationship? Is there something that is not working? Again, if you are willing to listen to the whispers, you might know what’s not working. But why not ask unless you already know and want to avoid it completely? Can we avoid things forever? Not without a whole lot of pain and suffering.
What if life wasn’t about learning tough lessons that lead to a lifetime of fixing yourself or trying to fix someone else? And what if something works for just a minute? Have you ever had an amazing experience or conversation with a complete stranger? Have you spent years working hard on a relationship only to realize you and the other person were on completely different pages the whole time? How much easier would it be to begin a relationship knowing what the hell a relationship is in the other person’s head, not to mention yours!?
What areas of your love life are you working hard at and not seeing results? Is there somewhere you are not willing to be honest with yourself of what it would take to make your life not only work well, but thrive well and play well with others?
Are you trying to teach someone how they should treat you and how they should behave and think? How much work does it take to try and control someone else’s point of view and choices? And is it kind to expect change? No way dude. If you are expecting your lover, other, boy toy, best friend, partner, ANYONE to change anything for you, to choose against themselves to make you happy, you are not only unkind but you are tempting to take something that will simply never belong to you, someone else’s choice.
Instead of asking anyone else to change, start by checking in with yourself and ask: what would have to change for this relationship to work for me? This is a great way to get total clarity on what you would like to have as your love life. Be honest with yourself, try to list ten things. Not to make a long list of complaints, but by the time you get to number ten you are most likely hitting on the real tough stuff. But don’t be scared, it’s ok! You can handle this, I will take a look at it with you. And you may be surprised with what shows up when you ask this question.
Some things you thought were scary are too difficult to handle, might suddenly seem thrilling and simple. And what I notice every time I think something is such a big deal or needs a lot of work and change or my relationship will fall apart along with my whole life, is that most of those thoughts are not even fucking mine anyway. I know this sounds crazy, and thinking is crazy my friends, but our thoughts do not exclusively belong to us. Who the fu** does this belong to? Is a question that I again, am willing to acknowledge sounds like a completely insane thing to ask because why would we assume a thought in our head would be anyone else’s but our own? And therefore all of our thoughts are relevant and significant.
Do you ever have something seemingly pop into your head out of nowhere? Another silly sounding question because of course you have. Do you ever judge and make yourself wrong for your thoughts? Does that add more stress on your relationships? Or do they work smoother if you are making yourself wrong? Or do your thoughts start to haunt you? Who does this belong to? Ask that question, even if it is just in your head and then take a deep breath and relax.
Relaxing is oddly challenging for most of us, but try not to answer the question. If you start to answer it, ask again, who does this belong to? And see what you start to notice, does that opinion or thought have as much weight as it did a moment ago? Ask again, I wonder who does this belong to? Truth, does this belong to me or someone else? You might suddenly realize the thought came from your mom or grandpa, or tv, or school. Thought and emotions are actually something you can be aware of, without them actually being relevant to you personally.
Keep asking yourself who does this belong to, and what is true for me? What works for me? Especially if you are willing to have something different than most people, keep asking questions! If something works for you, let it work greater and change and transform with you, but never expect anything or anyone to change or change the same.
Relationships are work, and work like a business. Every relationship costs you something. Your time. Your attention. Your care. Your response. Your action. Your body, and if you let them, your life can be the cost you pay for your relationships. Don’t let this slightly unromantic point of view bum you out, just because they are transactional does not mean they are not worth it. But you gotta know what’s worth it to you?
If you bought a watch that cost you money, would you like it to work? Are you worth the cost of the watch? Are you willing to have the watch and a fancy purse? What are you worth and what is a relationship worth to you? Would you die tomorrow for the relationship you have today? Is there a relationship or purse you would jump out of bed to melt and suffer over, to lose and lust after? Would you be willing to allow others, anyone and everyone to lust after you, want you and not have you? Would you stop being you if your light was blinding someone else?
What if your light sparked growth and a desire to grow stronger, lighter and brighter in everyone in your life, and many people whom you will never, ever meet!? What if you refused to hide anything about your brilliance and continue to invite those who adore you to spin in circles to be closer to you? What would change in your relationship if you had to know what you know?
