What if we asked questions instead of telling stories? My next tip, I learned from a class called Relationships Done Different where they talked about refusing to tell or buy any stories. Stories are another way of entertaining and distracting ourselves. It might make you feel better to call everyone you know and tell them your sad story of breaking up. It is a great way to get attention and connect with your friends but what is telling the story actually creating? More drama, sadness and heaviness, even for other people! When you refuse to listen to or tell stories, you are acknowledging that they are not real, and be clear with your choices. Period.
In order to be clear with your choices, and what you would like to have as your future living and relationships, you start by letting go of everywhere you are making having a relationship more significant and important than having all of you.
This can be tricky to navigate, because right off the bat, we are taught how important relationships are to most people, and we assume we must either need a relationship or there is something wrong with us if we do not desire one. This of course is not true but feels very true. Who knows why that is our global obsession, but relationship status is gloried above most accomplishments.
If you are staying in a relationship to have a relationship, to be positively judged and admired by strangers on instagram, is that enough for you? How many of us think we desire a relationship, choose one and then feel like failures when it’s nothing like we thought it was going to be? First of all, the best things and the best people in life, never show up like you think they will.
On the first day of college, I had no clue that my husband was sitting across from me in freshman math class. I could never have predicted how fun and hilarious our children would be. The wonderful friends we would make, the adventures we would have together. Or how many times we would break each other’s hearts.
And just because lovers and relationships are often not what we expect, that doesn’t mean we have nothing to do with how our life unfolds. We may not control our future but we absolutely create our futures. We make choices and the universe changes. Life, love, relationships, they do not just randomly happen, nor are they destined to happen. We choose everything.
If we are willing to be honest with ourselves about what we know is true for us, we can actualize any and every desire. This is where the tough but fun part begins. It is only tough because we have been lied to and brainwashed against claiming, owning and acknowledging what we know. We are used to being twisted against our own bodies, desires, happiness… to validate lies and limitations, holding the weight of others words and judgments above all else.
Brutal honesty with you will change everything. Start with looking at what is vital for your happiness. Do you actually desire a relationship? Do you prefer to be alone? Would you like a playmate who lives on the other side of town? What would be the most fun for you? Please do not make yourself wrong if you feel clueless. Have fun asking questions and discovering what you like and desire.
If you are already in a romantic relationship, take a look at it and again, being totally honest with yourself (not with your partner, just with you), and write a list in your head of what ten things would have to change for this relationship to work for you. Next go through everything on your list, and ask, “is this really true for me?” Then go through the list and ask yourself if there is anything on the list that is unkind for you to ask your partner to change? Is there anything that you wish was different but has always been something they choose?
You can also ask your partner what you would have to change for the relationship to work for them. You may already know based on past conversations or you see what your choices are creating in the relationship. It’s not the most fun thing to face. So be ready to have this conversation if you start it. Remember that nothing is personal, you are gaining valuable information here, there is no need to even react to whatever they share. Even if you feel judged, and you will!
Guess what, relationships that are totally awesome are also totally shitty sometimes! You will get your heart broken more than once. Whatever you think failure is, it is required to succeed. We hurt each other. We hurt for each other. Its not everything, you do not have to avoid it, you can handle the exquisite heartbreak of loving someone.
Vulnerability is your friend and may push you to have a greater relationship and a happier life. It’s okay if it doesn’t always feel comfortable. Are orgasms comfortable? Comfortable relationships are boring. What if your lovelife was full of unexpected adventures & orgasmic delight?! What if you could have something or someone new in your life every day? Are you here to be comfortable or are you here to play in paradise?
It is endlessly fascinating to watch people choosing relationships that start off fun and exciting but then decide they need to settle down into a comfortable routine. Do you see many relationships that are totally different from anyone else’s? Any that get more and more interesting, passionate, and wild with age? That get better?
We tend to choose what we see our parents choose or everyone else and with a deep desire to never be alone or uncomfortable, we conclude that relationships are worth holding onto, even if we are not happy. How many people say they feel trapped in their marriage? Or we use phrases like, “you’re stuck with me.” and we have about ten billion points of view about love, sex, relationships, cheating, men, women… many of which we never take a second glance to consider if those are just other people’s stories and judgements, what is true for me about any of this nonsense?
I wish this wasn’t true but I completely expected my husband to walk out the door the first two years of our marriage because that’s what my dad did. It had nothing to do with my husband. Nothing. In fact, he is the exact opposite and follows me around the house like a puppy. And now we have a dog so thank God I can go to coffee shops again.
I am actually the one who sometimes plots my great escape and fantasizes about walking out the door without having to tell a single person where I am going or what I am doing. Luckily they are cute because instead of a life as a single wild woman I am surrounded by four loving fellows who absolutely adore me.
It’s not easy, but letting go of the past and everyone else’s projections and expectations of you and your choices is crucial to choosing relationships and break ups that work, and maybe even create a greater future for both of you. I haven’t broken up with anyone in a while, but I know that every break up I went through created more for my future. We learn as we go, sometimes the lessons feel like a beating. But we never totally lose ourselves, no matter how rough the romance.
If you haven’t seen the movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman, I encourage you to watch it and take a look at where you have been or are currently being gaslit or gaslighting yourself and others. In that movie, no matter how twisted and manipulative her husband is, she never completely gives up or believes that she is insane. It’s quite remarkable that no one and nothing can completely destroy us.
If you feel done with dating, over love, ready to be alone, ready to run away…. What else is possible? One question you can ask yourself besides what else is possible, is : “If I knew not this, what would I know?” It’s of course totally awesome if you love to live life without having a traditional relationship or desire to be alone most of the time. Try not to go into conclusions that you want to be alone forever. What if you allow yourself to change your mind?
I know that we are taught to make up our minds, make a choice, commit. We don’t want to be caught looking flighty, foolish or immature. But if none of that was actually wrong, what would choosing to play like children change for our lovelife? If you were allowed to play when you wanted to play with who you wanted to play with, what would you choose right now? And now? And in the next ten seconds, what would you like to choose next?
Even if you choose to play with the same boy over and over again, acknowledge that you are choosing! Love is not something that happens to you or you are overtaken by. Love is a choice. Loving someone is a choice. So is not loving someone. Everything and everyone in your life is a choice. Keep choosing! If you are in a fight with your lover or your husband wants a divorce, or you are lonely regardless of your relationship status, keep choosing!
You know when a relationship is over and when there is still a possibility with someone. Trust yourself. Know you. If you could have anything as your relationship and lovelife, what would it be?
When you do not know where to start or how to begin, acknowledge wherever you are whoever you are with or not with, and celebrate! Follow the pleasure… even if it’s right out the door
And jump into discovering what you would like to have as your life, what would you like it to be like? Would you like someone to show up who cannot wait to play with you? How much fun can you have today? And then tomorrow don’t forget to choose again!
