We all have moments or years of feeling like we are not getting our relationship right. Even when we are getting along and having fun with our partners, in a moment something throws us off and it can be easy to feel like you have a problem with intimacy and relationships. What if you are not as fucked up as you think you are?! Remember, no one has love perfect, right and easy, because perfect, right and easy have nothing to do with love! No matter what is going on, your love life can be greater and these are the tools that continue to work for me.
If you are ready for an immediate change in your life and relationship, refuse to stay stuck in the fight of right and wrong. Do you spend a lot of time fighting? With your partner, with yourself? If you are fighting against anyone or anything, you are fighting a fight where everyone loses. And what causes us to fight? Right, wrong, good, and bad If you are ready to have a relationship that works and has any hope in getting better, you have to break up with judgment.
Does being right actually satisfy you? Is it fun to show someone how wrong they are? Does judgment of wrong, right, good and bad ever work? If someone has to be right, someone else has to be wrong. And often, in relationships, if one person is committed to being right, their other will prove themselves wrong to be pleasing and accepted, even to be loved. Now, I am sorry if that makes you want to vomit but the sooner we can let go of our addiction to judgment, the sooner we can be free.
Do you want to be right? Do you want to be wrong? Or do you want to be FREE? Is freedom valuable to you? Or too scary and unknown? Holding onto being right or wrong, is a guaranteed way to make yourself small and at the mercy of others actions. You will never, ever, ever, run out of things to make yourself wrong or right. I know many women who decide if they can fix all of the parts and pieces they have decided or been projected, judged or told is wrong about themselves, and make themselves worthy of love.
The fix yourself plan usually takes a lot of hard work, some of us try therapy, take a deep dive into our past pain and try to see if we can understand where we went wrong, what happened to us, how do we forgive our parents, how do we forgive ourselves, confess our sins, try to lose 50 lbs of the past…. And hope if we put in the work, we will finally have a loving relationship. And maybe this works for some, but hard work and self depreciation followed by forced positive judgment, are big heavy steps to take and will likely lead toward heavy relationships and likely feeling wrong all over again.
Do you spend your relationships then deciding since you have done so much work on yourself, now you can get to work on fixing your partner and making them better? How kind of you! Not. Judgment is never kind! Positive, negative, judgment is judgment and judgment is a lie. Period. It might be a convenient way to control your partner or force a relationship into existence, but ultimately anything and everything built on judgment will not last.
Now, this is also not about avoiding judgment. Even though it’s a lie, judgment is everywhere because it has been bought and sold as the ultimate truth, the exact opposite of what is! Do you notice how aware you are of other people’s judgments? Even if they don’t say them outloud? No matter what you do, say, wish, pray…. They are going to judge you anyway! And… I know there are a lot of twists and turns here, but whoever they are, are not actually judging you, because everytime we judge anyone or anything, we are judging ourselves. If you have decided that lying is the worst thing you can do and it is so wrong and bad to lie, what lies are you telling? And around and around we go, the endless loop of judgment, like a bad song you can’t get out of your head.
That endless cycle of trying to get life right but always feeling wrong and then making yourself more and more wrong, or desperate to prove how right you are, or desperate to control your partner with judgment, is the easiest way to keep you feeling fu**ed up, and in doubt of not only everything that is great about you, but in doubt of everything that is possible and available for you and as you, right outside your veil of judgment.
Right and wrong, good and bad, are like glasses we put on that limits our point of view so that everything and everyone we see must be one of those polar opposites, if you take the judgment glasses off your face, what do you see instead? Does everything disappear? Do you still exist if you are not right and good, wrong and bad? Would your face even look different in the mirror if you had no judgments of you? How different would you look at your relationships?
I know it can feel impossible to let go of right and wrong, and one amazing trick to getting out of judgment is to start asking questions. Questions are the opposite of judgment. True questions, not judgments with a question mark at the end of them. And even the simplest of questions can get you out of judgment and into what you know. What is this? What can I do about it? Can I change this? If so, how can I change this? And try not to hold onto so tightly to whatever you are certain you have gotten right and wrong. Even a question like, am I willing to let this go now? If I could never be wrong, and never get in right, what would I like to choose now?
There is no part of you that needs fixing. You do not need to prove that you deserve to be loved.
Convincing yourself that you deserve love is not going to bring it to you sooner, in fact it’s likely pushing people away from you. Are you attracted to someone because they deserve it? Or do you like who you like? Knowing that you are worth having a relationship with because you know you are a gift to others and can acknowledge what is great about you is very very very different than proving you deserve love or positively judging yourself.
A great way to break up with judgment is to start dating acknowledgment instead! This will be a big step toward unfu**ing your love life and immediately creating one that will actually make you love your life! You can start with acknowledging wherever you are at, where you make yourself wrong, where you make yourself right, what you would like to have more of, whose judgments you are buying, what you like about yourself, who and what in your life encourages you to be more of you, and who is controlling you. What is true and real for you? What do you know is vital to your happiness that you haven’t been willing to acknowledge?
I know that is a whole lot of stuff but there is a whole lot of you that you haven’t even discovered yet because you have been filled and clouded with a whole lot of judgment! And what if there will always be more of you to acknowledge? Or have you discovered everything there is to know of you? Have you let go of every lie that there is anything wrong with you? I doubt most of us can imagine being that free! Waking up to the pleasure of being ourselves with no expectations of what we need to fix or change, no problems to solve or desperation for others to give us affection or tell us we look pretty today.
Can you imagine waking up in celebration of you and your life? With the joy of being you, brightly shining regardless of who sees her sparkle? Relaxed and clear with what you know? Free from anxiety, fitting in, proving, and being controlled by anyone or anything outside of you? What do you know? What do you know that you are pretending not to know? You can say it outloud, start a journal, whisper it if you have to, but start acknowledging you. What is true for you? What is true about you?
What you acknowledge, you create more of in your life. If you acknowledge that you are caring, more caring people will show up, if you acknowledge you care about yourself, you invite more to contribute to you and things, people, places, things, start showing up as if by magic. If you know that money is a gift, money shows up. If you expect money to show up because you are desperate, do you add more money or more desperation to your life?
