I would love to start right off the bat by talking about lying and why we seem to do so much of it in our relationships, not only romantically but with everyone, everyone lies sometimes, and most of us lie to ourselves too.
We can come up with all sorts of reasons and justifications for why we lie. I think we mostly lie to fit in with others, we do not want to be left behind or separated from the group so we begin lying just by aligning ourselves with our friends and families points of views. Or because we do not want to hurt each other’s feelings, how often do we lie to our partners just to avoid any conflict in our relationship?
Relationships are basically lies. I know that sounds strange. But if we look back at our first relationships, they begin with the lies we hear from our parents, who don’t know any better, I know I am always going back to our relationships with our parents but they were also lied to, so without blaming them, we are looking at the lies we sell in the name of love so we know where to begin.
When a mother says “you’re my baby,” and then raises that baby believing that the child belongs to her, does that cause any damage to the child? Even mothers who are trying to protect their children from harm by others, are likely completely unaware of the harm she has the power to cause and is creating with that point of view. We do not belong to our parents. We do not owe them anything. What if you could be thankful for the body you have without having to believe their lies? You do not belong to your mother, she belongs to you.
We could go on to many other lies our parents tell us and are still hoping to believe themselves one day. How much have you seen your mother or father suffer in relationships while watching their parents also suffer? Oh, this reminds me of the definition of relationships I found in an etymology dictionary, which is sharing the burden! A relationship is sharing the burden of life or business. It is also how two people or objects separate themselves from one another, the actual word does not mean how we come together in harmony and happiness.
So the very word we are talking about, relationship is a sold as a lie from the very beginning because we don’t even know what the fuck it actually means! And the words we use actually matter because this is how lies are created, by not being clear with what we are saying. So, as you are looking at your relationships or looking for a new relationship, start listening to the words that are coming out of your mouth or into your head, and definitely listen carefully to the words coming out of your current or potential lovers mouths.
What do you mean when you say “I love you?” When you say you desire a relationship, what is that? What is a relationship in your mind? Or when you say you want to have a good relationship, what is a good relationship include for you? I kinda assumed everyone had the same understanding of what relationships were because no one ever discussed it, asked questions or pulled me aside to talk about love. I missed Relationships 101 class, never got the memos.
I did notice the insane amount of judgment around sex and men from the women in my life. I was confused at best but now can see that I was being told and sold extremely fucked up points of views and LIES even though no one was talking about it. It’s pretty twisted. And not fun to think about but if we are willing to acknowledge the lies, we can begin to let them go.
So how many of your mothers’ lies about love, sex, relationships, men and women are you ready to let go of, even if it makes her feel upset or lonely in her judgments, adgendas, inventions and lies? And your father’s? And from anyone else?
This includes all of the wishes, hopes, dreams, fantasies and positive judgements too. We have to let go of it all. Whatever is true for you, that you do not have to reason and justify to believe, that has no alignment and agreement or resistance and reaction to anyone, you will continue to know but the rest of it is stopping you from being and having everything you truly desire.
This is likely only the beginning of untwisting and untangling ourselves from the layers of lies that have been handed down to us. If we stay present and stop hiding behind our parents or friends or anyone else’s points of view, we gain access to more of ourselves and clarity with what is possible when we do not need to fight for or against someone.
One of the biggest lies we buy is that we need relationships. We need a relationship to be happy, successful, comfortable, secure and loved. Something is not okay if we are not with someone. One question we can ask ourselves is “what have I decided I need a relationship for?” And what have you decided you need a relationship for or you are not okay? From age 15 – 28 I had decided I needed a relationship to not be a loser. Guess what I felt like most of that time?
Our points of view about why we need a relationship will stick us in that neediness and how attractive is needy? How great does it feel to need someone? Or when someone needs you? Somewhere we started using need as a reason or justification for having a relationship. If you have to defend your choices with reasons and justifications, you are not choosing toward a relationship or life full of happiness. Your body may have certain needs to function and thrive properly, but do you really need anything including a relationship?
What would it be like to choose without any reasons and justifications, just choosing to create whatever is fun and going to make your life greater? Think of when you make a great friend, who makes you laugh and you love talking to, life is instantly more fun, brighter and lighter. Those friendships usually come about naturally, with ease, as if by magic. Not from suffering and desperation for affection.
We don’t need a man to go hunting or fishing, to make money, to love us and save us from the judgments of our mothers. We don’t even really need men to have sex but many of our bodies prefer it. As of now there are so many children on the planet and scientific procedures available that we don’t even need men to have babies.
So if we don’t need them, what else is possible for what we can create and enjoy with men? And I mean, what the fuck else is possible? I ask that to add some urgency to this question because I see a lot of confusion and pain that I think we can trace back to this point of view where we decided there is something we need from relationships that we are not getting, and then because we need it, we must get it by any means necessary or suffer.
How much violence and insanity can we trace back to a man feeling he needs sex from a woman? How much fear can be traced back to that need? How much separation is forced continuously between us, men and women, boys and girls, battling this lie that we need something we are not getting from each other? Women might feel like we need men to change their behavior so we can feel safe and comfortable around them. And most of us spend humiliating hours talking about this to our therapists and friends, suffering over these needs and the reasons they are not being fulfilled.
Are you suffering the reasons? I’m alone because I’m weird, I’m never going to find a boyfriend who let’s be myself, my parents fucked me up with their crazy choices, I never meet anyone cool… but I need a relationship because I’m so lonely, and everyone else is getting married, I need someone to share my life with… etc. I can’t be complete without someone to love.
It’s not that it is wrong to have any of these feelings but if we make choices based on feelings or the decision that we are wrong, or that we are in need of something, we are never going to have great relationships because we will make choices to prove that we are wrong and needy because that is our point of view, and the people who show up will likely not be prince what’s his name, but someone who will make us feel wrong!
What if your point of view creates your relationship? My husband totally believes the saying, happy wife, happy life. His point of view and his experience of our relationship creates his life to be happy as long as I am happy with him. He doesn’t need to spend time making himself wrong, and he rarely does so, because that is simply not relevant to my happiness.
I know some women who do have the point of view that their husbands are wrong and I see their husbands suffer in their wrongness to prove their wives right. So another lie we can begin to uncover is that love or a great relationship just happens to us, or we are blessed with love based on how much we deserve it, or that our happiness in a relationship depends on the other person. The lesson I wish they would teach us in my make believe relationships 101 class is that we are the ones creating our relationships.
Not only can you choose your relationships little girl, you get to choose to create your life! Nothing is happening to us, we are free to choose. And what if we asked children, if you could choose anything, what would you choose? If anything was possible, what would you choose? Who would you play with today if you made no commitments to your friends yesterday? What now? What next? If you could never be wrong, and had no worries of getting it right, what would your life be?
