I am sharing 10 tips to Ending a Relationship without extra drama!
My first advice is when you catch yourself head tripping over your relationship, shuffling through all of your mixed thoughts and emotions, going over the pros and cons, asking is it time to break up?.. or, are they going to break up with me?.. would I be happier alone?.. what will they do without me?.., stop thinking and take a deep breath, and acknowledge that even though things feel intense, nothing is wrong.
When your mind is racing or anxiously repeating thoughts that keep you spinning, you are blocking yourself from having clarity with what you know that you require and desire, and what is true for you. Instead of wasting valuable days of your life in a state of stress, take another deep breath and relax as much as possible.
Anxiety might come easily, but will always steer you in circles away from your happiness. The first step to handling your relationship, or ending a relationship without extra drama, is having whatever you require in your life so you can relax and not give into the constant stress of the world around you.
I know it is not always easy to relax, I have a very hard time with it myself, I am constantly moving and I almost feel more comfortable having an anxiety attack than consciously relaxing my body. Especially when it comes to being vulnerable with my husband or anyone close to me.
I used to think my husband and being married were the triggers or causes for my anxiety. I was convinced that something must be wrong with him and I looked for proof of his wrongness continuously. I decided that marriage was way harder than anyone ever told me and I had no trouble finding evidence that I was right. Guess what happens when you look for what is wrong? You find wrongness, and even create more of it will all of your conclusions, projections, and expectations.
What if there is nothing wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship? What if there is something about your relationship that just isn’t working because it is not what you actually desire? Do we think something or someone has to be wrong so we have a reason and justification to leave? Or worse, so we can be right?
What if we are free to choose to leave whatever circumstance or relationship at any moment, with no reason or justification whatsoever? I know we are trained well, even as elementary students, to begin looking for the right answer, the reasons and justifications to explain our own behavior as well as a way of attempting to understand the behavior of others. What have we really learned? Does understanding someone or something actually make it better or easier to handle? Does understanding help us grow?
Or is analyzing and dramatizing the psychological study of human behavior, including in our relationships, just a way of entertaining ourselves? We can fill our minds with theories and projections of what must have happened in someone’s past to make them act violently now, or they must have had unhappy childhood experiences to be so fucked up with relationships. We turn our boyfriends or ourselves, usually both, into fixer upper projects that must be tackled and handled before any possibility of a truly happy relationship.
This is an epic fail. Mostly due to the lies of judgment. Judging anything as right, wrong, good or bad in the first place sets us up to fail because judgments are not real. Judgements are not true. Judgments are invented. You cannot change someone to be greater, even yourself, by judging them.
Or do we decide that either we are wrong or our partner is wrong just because we feel sad or stressed? This is my next tip, beware of thoughts, feelings and emotions. What if our thoughts, feelings and emotions do not actually belong to us? I know they certainly seem real, we are experiencing them so how could they not be real? And they especially feel real and extremely relevant in relationships.
We are aware of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. None of them actually belong to us. We choose to take them on, or make them real, use them, but thoughts and emotions are invented, they are not natural or relevant. We can spend our lives spinning in circles, trying to control them, understand them, and most urgently, find ways to cope with them, but thoughts, psychological feelings like jealousy and fear and emotions cannot be controlled and understood. Nor do they need to be. Let them go and be free to know what you know, instead of coping with feelings that are completely irrelevant.
What if nothing is personal? Can you imagine refusing to ever take offense or make anyone else’s choices personal? Especially in your romantic relationship? You would be free to keep choosing for yourself, without wasting time or missing out on a new possibility for something else to be created.
Now, this is a tool that completely changed my life and I recommend it for any romance on the rocks: Interesting point of view, I have this point of view. This is a tool I learned from Dr. Dain Heer, who offers dynamic ways of changing any part of your life. If your thoughts, feelings and emotions are invented, what if instead of being right or wrong or good or bad, everything was an interesting point of view?
The tool works by repeating, “interesting point of view, I have this point of view… interesting point of view, I have this point of view… interesting point of view, you have this point of view…. And right now, recall a relationship old or new, where you have an upset with someone, it doesn’t matter who, it can even be the your relationship with you or your body… let yourself acknowledge the upset or situation, any icky feelings or heaviness… stay present, and aloud or in your head, “interesting point of view, I have this point of view… Interesting point of view I have this point of view, interesting point of view they have this point of view, interesting point I have this point of view about their point of view, interesting point of view they have this point of view about my point of view, Interesting point of view I have this point of view, interesting point of view, I have this point of view…
Do you notice any changes in how the upset feels to you now? Less intense? More? Did your upset increase? Disappear? I recommend that you start discovering what this tool can do for you, your living and relationships. I have let go of so many temptations to start an argument, or separation from someone and then starting “interesting point of view, I have this point of view, or they have this point of view…” and things changed immediately.
Remember how I said I have a resistance to relaxing and being present with my relationships? When my husband is talking about politics, baseball, or what someone posted on REDDIT, and I start to feel like I want to run away and be alone, I stay totally present, listening to him, and in my own head, “interesting point of view, you have this point of view….” and I stop feeling that need to run away or ignore, and he often forgets what he was going to say but doesn’t feel ignored.
It is also great in traffic, or talking to your boss, even when you look in the mirror and wish you looked prettier today, interesting point of view!
My next tip to ending a relationship is make sure to ask LOTS of questions. When you first sense that you might not want to stay in a relationship, ask “who does this belong to?” The more you ask who does this belong to, the more awareness you will have of what is true for you, and what belongs to someone else.
I had someone encourage me to break up with my boyfriend and I twisted myself to see her point of view, and convince myself that what she was seeing must be the way it is. How many of your parents’ or family’s points of views about love, sex and relationships, are you trying to prove true? When we ask “who does this belong to,” we let go of where we are energetically aligning and agreeing or resisting and reacting to our parents, friends, anyone.
Other questions like : what else is possible? How does it get any better than this? What is true for me?, are invitations for greater to show up in your life, today and into the future.
