How does it get better than this? Please remember no one has relationships right, no one ever will, so no matter where you are in your lovelife, what if you could ask for something greater?
Tonight we are talking about definitions of love and what if your definitions of love are limiting what is possible in your relationships? Definitions are limitations because once you have defined something, you filter everything through that specific definition and then if someone or something doesn’t match your definition, you automatically reject them. Definitions set us up with expectations and projections of others, without a hint of consideration that others might have different points of view and often entirely different definitions than we do. Definitions are solid, unmoving. And not a friend to you or your relationships. Relationships have to move, just like your body has to move, in order to be stronger!
We have been taught to search for definitions and that all of our knowledge comes from. My question is, what did you know before you learned its definition? Did you know your mother’s love before you could comprehend the word? What do you know beyond every definition you have in your head? What have you always known?
With definitions, we add meaning and value to the words, not just the literal meaning of the words but we add an emotional meaning and significance to our definitions. And our definitions become meaningful and important. Especially if other people share our point of view. We can see how effective this works in church, school, everywhere… people find people with similar points of views and definitions. This is the foundation for how and who we connect and live our lives with. Conspiracy theories might sound ridiculous to some of us, but even if just two or three people align and agree with each other, those points of view create the world they live in and every relationship will be destroyed or maintained by those points of view.
It can feel a little icky to look at the past to see where we picked up on our definitions of relationships and love, because there is so much judgement hidden in all of the corners and spaces of our memories. And how aware of your parents, your siblings, everyone else’s feelings, thoughts and emotions were you as a child but you thought all of it was yours? Or was that just me? I thought I was totally wrong growing up and now I know it was my awareness of judgements.
It is not only our definitions that limit what is possible in our lives but also our judgements, which like definitions are lies! People have to agree to definitions and judgments to make them real and true. And it doesn’t stop there! We also invent conclusions, rejections, projections and expectations based on those definitions and & judgements. And then our lives accordingly.And what if none of this is wrong but just something we can choose to hold onto or let go of in favor of what we know is true and what we know works for us in our lives and relationships?
What do you know and what is your definition of love? What does love mean to you? We start with acknowledging our definitions so we can begin to make them less solid. This is actually a vital key to being in relationships, acknowledging whatever is going on or not going on in your relationship, as well as acknowledging what relationship means to both of you down to the very definition, because we cannot make anything greater, not to mention out of this world fantastic, if we do not start by admitting what we know is true or what we have been assuming is true.
Now, I have plenty I can share of what I assumed was true about love and relationships over the years! Most if not all of it was completely ridiculous and had nothing to do with my actual experience, and I am still in disbelief how clueless I was and still can be! Growing up, I thought being in love was a feeling that overwhelmed you and you spent a lot of time suffering over it. Relationships had to be dramatic, with problems to solve. If you really love someone, you would be jealous of other people they spent time with and be miserable when you were apart. Nothing and nobody would be more important than your loved one and you to them.
This makes me laugh and reminds me of my son Owen who I recently found weeping quietly in his room because, and I quote, “I don’t think the dog loves me as much as I love him.” I asked him what have you decided love means to you that it might not mean to the dog? I hope he remembers that question for the future. If I had any clue that the boys I was dating or the friends I were completely devoted to might possibly have different definitions of love than I did, I would have saved myself from so much heartache and tears.
As you begin to acknowledge your assumed definitions of love and relationships, you can also take a look back on the relationships you saw growing up. How many unspoken definitions of love did you learn from those relationships? From movies and tv shows? Do you feel like you are trying to get a relationship that matches someone else’s?
Do you also notice feeling distracted by trying to get the right relationship? How much time and energy does your relationship require? How much freedom do you give up to be in a relationship? How much drama and trauma occupies your time not only in your romantic relationships, but your relationships with your family, friends and co-workers? Is any of that trauma and drama actually real and true? Do you get jealous? Feel guilty? Afraid of losing your relationship? What if we distract ourselves from being our true greatness by giving ourselves up in favor of our relationships?
A great question you can ask yourself, especially when you feel you can’t stop thinking about something or someone is, am I distracting myself with this? I am not saying that all relationships are wrong or not worth working hard for, I am wondering if we are using our need for relationships to distract us from being our brilliant selves regardless of who is committed to loving us forever or not. And is it true that we need relationships? What if relationships could be gifts that added to our lives? When we turn it into that need it changes what is possible for our relationships to be joyful and totally different than anything we have ever seen.
Have you decided that need is an essential part of the definition of relationship? Or are you convinced that needing something justifies having it? Can you imagine not having reasons and justifications for needing a relationship? What if not only definitions and judgments are lies, but reasons and justifications are also something we invent and force relevant? There are no reasons and justifications to be in a relationship, it’s a choice available to you. Reasons and justifications join definitions and judgements as killers of possibilities and true joy.
Have the greatest moments of your life ever shown up like you expected them to? Have the greatest guys or women? Relationships? First kisses? Orgasms? Oh, how I wish I had never learned and taken on all of the ridiculous expectations I have tried to understand and make real since my first crush. And at the same time, I can gratefully acknowledge that none of those lies actually ever stopped me from discovering and choosing great relationships. Somehow, I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but somehow, I didn’t destroy my marriage and relationships with my closest family members even though I honestly tried to sometimes and in my own twisted point of view, desired.
So no matter where you are in your life right now, in this very moment, whether you are listening to this now or in the future, your point of view can change and thereby your entire life, relationships, can be greater than you ever thought possible. You are greater than you ever thought possible! We all know that feeling of possibility when you meet someone who turns your head, or you have a new friend who just lights you up to be around, and has an energy that inspires you to be more of you, or just to be happy.
Do you ever acknowledge those energies or people you desire to have more of or to be closer to? Or do you push those people and desires away from you? Because they are what, too naughty? Would it be too much fun? What if you could ask not only to have more of what you desire, but you knew that whatever sparks your fancy, is something that you can either have, or already be in the world?! And what if you knew that whatever you truly desire, desires you too?
This is where everything becomes so much more fun! What do you truly desire? What lights you up? What have you hidden away from yourself that you are ready to look toward having right now or into the future? What would be the most fun? What choices do you have available to you that others don’t? Who would be the most fun to play with? What is possible? For you? Just for you? Do you know that there are possibilities available ONLY to you and no one else? And what if those possibilities don’t have definitions?! Would you still desire something if you couldn’t define it? What do you dare to desire?
