Is the intimacy over?
True intimacy is required to have a fabulous lovelife, regardless of your relationship status. I am not talking about sex, that will be for another podcast and I do think sex is is also included in having a great life or relationship; nor am I talking about having a romantic fantasy of intimacy where you and your lover are always connected, together every moment and sharing all of your fears, passions, and hopes of the future…
True intimacy is always choosing more, and if you would like more for your relationship, you have to be willing to have more for you first. We tend to get this backwards. We believe that if we make our relationship great, we will be great. Thinking this way sets us up for failure and doesn’t even make sense but it is something that almost everyone believes but no one acknowledges. What point of view are you buying that requires you to pretend you don’t know who you are without a relationship? How many lies do you have to buy to believe that you are valuable if a boy wants to have sex with you? And, what about you are you pretending is missing?
If you are looking to a relationship to find your other half, your soulmate, your person… you are beginning with the point of view that you are incomplete. And is that really true? I know it feels true, but what do you know beyond that feeling? And if that is the point of view you have, everything that shows up in your life will match and follow that point of view. The immediate misfortune with committing to one point of view, is you have to avoid an entire world of possibilities because they do line up with your point of view. And everyone and everything that shows up in your life is going to add to you feeling incomplete, because you are committing to that lie.
Could you imagine having a totally different point of view about intimacy and relationships? What if you could have a totally different point of view every day, or even every ten seconds if you are willing to be out of control. Control. What would love be without control? Do you notice how often you try to control your partner’s point of view? How much do we manipulate each other to look at things in a certain way? How hard do we work to convince each other of our plans and schemes? From what we should eat for dinner to how much money we are allowed to spend, to what are you doing today, to when its time to have sex, and every single decision we can force upon our relationship.
Holding on to control and beginning a relationship with the point of view that your partner is wrong or you are right or wrong will never magically end up with you both feeling wonderful and committed to enjoying a wonderful life together. Even if you have a partner who tries to change to match your point of view and make you happy, can only be successful for so long because he has to force himself to be less than, not greater. Your attempt to control him or anyone into greater will always lead to less… and how much less? Do we even have any idea what would happen if we let go of control?
A key to letting go of control and choosing true intimacy, is vulnerability. I know we think it is safer to be in control and know what to expect, and we are taught to avoid vulnerability so we won’t get hurt… and how is that working? Can we actually avoid getting hurt? What if instead of trying to avoid being hurt and suffering anyway, we change our point of view about what can hurt us?
To even begin looking at this requires vulnerability, so take a deep breath and ask your walls and barriers to go down. Do you know those walls and barriers well? Don’t worry, you can always put them back up again, but if you are willing to practice lowering your barriers, you will notice an immediate change in your life and in your relationships. When you try to avoid vulnerability, you also avoid so much joy and happiness that can only find you if your walls are down. You can ask the question, what would it be like to be totally vulnerable with me right now? Barriers down, barriers and walls down… barriers down.
The more you can relax, the lower your barr iers will naturally be. You can also begin to acknowledge that whatever you protect yourself from cannot actually hurt you unless you make yourself small or allow yourself to be hurt. Vulnerability is willing to let go of your control, and take a look at whatever is waiting for you right around the corner. What happens when you try to control your orgasm? What happens when you allow it to happen?
Allowance is another way to create intimacy with you and everyone in your life. There are days where allowance absolutely saves me from running out the door. Allowance is not your weekly income for doing your chores however true allowance could lead to you making more money. Allowance is simply choosing not to judge anyone as right or wrong. You do not have to fight for or against someone or something, you do not have to control what anyone else is choosing.
Again, we have to let go of control in order to have allowance and vulnerability.
What or who are you refusing to be in allowance of? Allowance is not the same as acceptance, you do not have to accept someone abusing you. Allowance would include you removing yourself from an abusive relationship. If you do not trust yourself to be in allowance of something or someone, and you know you will be stuck in feelings of wrongness, acknowledge it and choose whatever works for you. Once again, true intimacy starts with you. Judgement is also always about you too. So enjoy the gift of allowance.
Letting go of judgement as your guiding light, will also require you to trust yourself. True intimacy requires trusting what you know and that you know. You always know what is true for you and what works for you, what choices will create the most and when you choose against yourself.
Trusting in relationships is trusting that people will most likely choose tomorrow what they chose today. We are taught that trusting another person is trusting them with your heart, to protect it and never let it break, trusting that regardless of who they are today, tomorrow they will change to be what you really want them to be, trusting that they won’t sleep with someone else because they promised you… We have so much miseducation and sloppy lessons, projections, expectations and lies we buy and sell about relationships and each other, as if all of us buying into the same story will make it true.
If I post these pictures of us looking cute and happy on Instagram, and keep his favorite beer in the fridge, talk about our feelings, make promises to never cheat, we will have a great relationship. Our very definitions of relationship and love are again never actually acknowledged, just assumed and pursued generation after generation. Our parents say they love us but we are left to figure out what the fuck love means. Love could mean getting slapped in the face. Love could mean hugs and kisses. Love could be a warm and fuzzy feeling or a desperate need.
If love is something we think we are supposed to be given, we grasp onto whatever our parents offer us and trust that must be love. Saying I love you, caring about my well being, providing for me, working hard to have a home to live in… can all be added to your definition of love. But we can have parents who share their caring for us, also control, lie, resent and even despise us. How do we know what is actually included in love? And why is it never discussed?
