Can you imagine asking your mom as an infant, what do you mean when you say you love me? What does love mean to you mommy? When dad says he loves sports, is that the same as when he says he loves me? How do you know when you are being loved? Is love different for each of us or one thing we all feel?
And no wonder trust usually fails in relationships! If we are pretending we are all on the same page about love, we also have to lie to ourselves and pretend we trust each other. How do you trust someone if you never know what love means to them?
Your lover could think love means protecting you from the truth. Your husband might think controlling your every move is being a loving man. We all know the insanity and gaslighting that floods most relationships, a desire to control each other to match what we have been taught, instead of discovering what love and true caring could be, if we are willing to let go of all of the definitions (limitations and lies) we are holding on to?
Trust is not not blind faith. Trust is having your eyes open, seeing what someone is choosing, being in allowance of their choices, (not making them right or wrong), know when they are lying, and know that they will most likely choose tomorrow what they chose today. Trust is about you knowing what you know, trusting you…
This is another element of intimacy we continue to twist and get backwards. How much time, pain and energy is required for you to trust someone else over yourself? We are foolish to think that trusting in someone else to tell us the truth and never hurt us is even possible let alone relevant? We have demanded honesty without being honest with ourselves, and where has it gotten us?
First of all, everyone lies. Second, you always know when someone is lying. Third, guess what…?! Lying to yourself is what destroys you and your relationships. You have to choose to avoid what you know is true and twist yourself into a lie that is just like putting yourself in jail. How can you be free if you are lying to yourself? Trust what you know, always. What you know. Not what you think. Not what you fear. Not what you wish. What you know.
Allowance will also free you from the burden and pain of suffering over someone else’s lies. You do not need to worry about anyone lying to you if you are always willing to trust you. Remember, they are only lying to themselves, because you know they are lying but you are also being in allowance of their choices beyond your control.
If you are punishing yourself or your partner for any lies, spoken or unspoken, what is that creating for your love life? Is that necessary? What is it you actually desire to create with this person? Can you imagine trusting that he will lie to you again? That you will know? You can remember to include yourself in having allowance to be angry if anyone and especially your partner knowingly lies to your face, you can allow yourself to be upset and let them know it.
But we avoid this too! We say we desire the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but do you really want to face the lies and have the upset? I hear everyone say they want someone who is loyal and trustworthy and then refuse to acknowledge when they are being lied to or treated terribly. That’s the weirdest part, demanding the truth often from others might lead you to lie to yourself an awful fucking lot.
I wonder, can we really only lie to ourselves? Just as we can only actually trust ourselves to know what we know, we can only believe our own lies? You have to lie to yourself to believe anyone’s lies. What if, when you listen to your partner speak, you simultaneously acknowledge that they have a completely different and independent point of view than you.
But you can also acknowledge that if they are judging you, that is very different from telling you the truth. Judgments are never true.
Allowance, again, comes to the rescue! It’s ok if they lie to themselves, that’s their choice. Do you trust them to be ok with their lies?
And this is where trusting you comes to the rescue again, you do not have to stay in a relationship if what someone is choosing simply doesn’t work for you. If you cannot trust yourself to not make them wrong or you find yourself spinning in circles trying to justify their behavior/choices, what if you trusted that this relationship is not for you?
And I love how whenever I talk about intimacy, the same keys to true intimacy appear, always working together. As if the elements of intimacy are in a relationship with each other that actually flows and creates magic wherever they go. We have talked about vulnerability which led to allowance which led to trust which now leads us to honor.
As you begin to see what is working and not working for you in your love life, you are actually looking not just at what works for you, but what does honoring you include? To honor is to hold in regard. Do you hold you in regard? Did you learn to leave yourself behind and honor your family or your church or your friends? I have no idea if this is just me, but I spent this lifetime devoted to my friends. I would do anything for them to have more time with them. But I couldn’t put myself aside forever and neither can you.
It’s also not necessary or even kind to your friends if you think about it. How much more joy would everyone who knows you receive if you were willing to hold you in regard even ten percent of the time? Can you imagine what would change if you increased honoring you by 50%? And is that part of what you resist when you are showing up for other people more than you show up for yourself? Change? Is that how you have successful relationships? Showing up as you are expected to, being reliable, not changing?
So much is dawning on me about my own friendships and my familial relationships, how we use people changing as an excuse to separate from them, that being truly honoring of me has resulted in many many changes in my relationships, and, if we stop trying to hold onto each other so tightly, we do not actually ever lose each other. If you choose to honor you, you become an immediate inspiration for everyone to consider honoring themselves more. If you are willing to take the day off work and spend time with your kids, your family feels honored and cared for. If you put in a few extra hours after bedtime on emails, your business feels nurtured and cared for, if you have to wake up at 4am to have sex with your husband, he and your body and your relationship are honored. When you are willing to be honest with yourself, trusting what you know, honoring yourself will become so easy and delightful. And this is where I encourage you to start a list of what you would choose to have in your life and in your relationships if you were holding you and your body in regard. What does honoring you include? How much fun can you have discovering what honoring you looks like?
The more you practice honoring yourself, the more you are willing to acknowledge what honoring for your partner is, don’t forget about them. If you are in a relationship, what do you know is holding your partner in regard? There are some things you know right off the bat, you know that interrupting or ignoring your partner is unkind, you know that most likely they prefer you do not have sex with other people, you know judging them in not honoring to either of you.
You can also ask your partner questions! Hooray, questions to the rescue. A bonus tool to intimacy is for sure, asking questions instead of talking at each other. But ask, what is vital for your happiness? What can I do or say so you feel cared for? What would honoring you and honoring our relationship include? I’ve been assuming that I have been showing I care for you, but is there something I do that makes you feel like I am not considering you?
I have seen this change my husband’s entire mood and day, the moment I ask him to consider what honoring him requires and it doesn’t mean I had to change my life drastically to make sure he felt honored, the very acknowledgement of him is usually such a gift that he requires nothing else and has this jolt of energy and joy going to the store and making dinner or playing with the kids after school.
Acknowledgement is my bonus key to intimacy and you heard me use that word many times as it only adds to all of the elements of intimacy we have touched on, vulnerability, trust, allowance, honor and finally, gratitude. What are you grateful for and how much more of it are you willing to have? If you would like more time and attention from your partner, acknowledge everything you are grateful for about them and the gift they are in your life. Even the small things, don’t leave those out because we all know the smallest gifts can be the greatest gifts. Be grateful he shows up for you, grateful for his smile, his touch, his choosing to care for you, his bad jokes, even those, and the more you are willing to keep your barriers down, the more of everything and everyone you are grateful for shows up.
Often, and maybe always, the most magical, life changing moments happen with no warning, and in totally unexpected ways. Sometimes you are struck head over heels by a guy you just met, or have a sudden crush on a friend you have had for years, if we were willing to let things change, including ourselves, how many spectacular surprises would we find right around the corner?
Intimacy never ends and will never be boring.
