An easy way to begin letting go of judgments and definitions of relationships is to replace your commitment to right & wrong with asking questions. What question could you ask instead of why didn’t you take the garbage out?, or when are you going to change?, which are actually judgments with question marks attached to them.
What questions can you ask that will create a totally different relationship? What questions can you ask that are honoring your lover? What could change if instead of saying I love you, you ask: Do you know how grateful I am for you? Do you know how much you turn me on? How much fun can we have today? What makes you happy? What would you like our relationship to be like? If you could have anything show up today, what would you ask for? How does it get any better than this? What else is possible for us that we have never even dreamed of? What future would you like to create together?
If there is any part of your life or relationship that isn’t working or feels stuck or slow, asking questions gets everything and everyone MOVING. Relationships have to move and change, grow or die. And what is the fucking point of any of this if we are not willing to have relationships that are always transforming? Way beyond the land of right and wrong, is a totally different space of love and possibility.
I see most couples choosing to avoid allowing their relationship to change much at all, preferring to keep things comfortable and as predictable as possible. We desire to settle into a routine so we can feel safe and secure. Date nights on Fridays, jobs that cover the mortgage and next vacation, Christmas with the family, sex once a week… blah, blah, blah I am boring myself typing about it. I’m not saying that desiring or choosing any of this is wrong. I am saying that it is extremely limiting compared to what is available.
How much fun could you have instead? Instead of rightness, wrongness, definitions or comfort zones, what if relationships were for FUN? If you could never get it right, and were never ever wrong, what would you choose? You? Not what would your mom choose or your friends or the hot girl on tv, YOU. What would you choose if you were BEING YOU? Do you have any idea? How much fun could you have asking this question, Truth, if I were truly being me here what would I choose? Who would I choose? If I had nothing to get right, what would be the most fun for ME? Me what is true for ME?
When you choose from the space of being yourself, you are immediately free from the chains of judgement or consideration of anyone else’s point of view. There is you, and your desires. How do you know which desires are yours and which desires you have picked up from others? What is truly yours, lights you up with sparkles of joy. What you desire pulls on you, whispers in your ear, tickles your fancy, inspires you to choose more. You just know.
Are you allowing yourself to desire whatever you desire? Or are you stopping yourself from even acknowledging it? I wish this didn’t need to be said, but you are allowed to desire whatever you desire. If you are avoiding admitting to yourself that you desire something or someone, what have you concluded about yourself that is not true? What have you decided is impossible? Or unreasonably? Or is it that you don’t deserve to be happy? Or your desires are naughty?
Again, obviously we have all been gaslighted, twisted and lied to many times over. Welcome to relationships. It’s strange and I don’t really think about why we gaslight each other so incessantly because asking why will only lead to disappointment. I wonder what gaslighting and our addiction to relationships is revealing about what we are refusing to acknowledge about ourselves and about our desires, and can you actually separate yourself from your desires? Don’t we always desire something?
Do you desire to live? To love? To die? To have more? A latte? A lover? An earth? An orgasm? Does it really matter? What if you allowed yourself to not only desire it all but have it all? And what if, whatever you desire, desires you right back? Now, this is about our true desires that have nothing to do with taking choices away from other people. Rape, domination, abuse… are not true desires and do not create greater in the world. You are a part of the world, what if whatever you desire creates more for you creates more for the earth? For the world?
Just like in a family or relationship, when you take care of yourself, you take care of your loved ones. If you are constantly denying yourself the pleasures of the earth, the pleasures of your body, whatever you would like to have as your life, you are not being the gift you could be for the rest of us. It’s the opposite of what most of us think we need to do in honor of others, which is divorce parts and pieces of ourselves and try to match each other’s expectations. How great do you feel when you match what everyone else projects and expects you to be?
What if you never had to divorce any part of you, and never had to divorce anyone else from your life? I don’t mean just marriage but anytime you are choosing to separate from someone, how much energy does that take? You also don’t have to hold on tight to everyone or refuse to let them go. But what we tend to do is leave ourselves behind and look to others to make our lives valuable. But if only we knew that if we never left ourselves behind or chose against our true desires, we would never run out of friends and lovers because nothing is more attractive than you being you.
How much fun can you have if you are willing to get relationships wrong?
