I have always been fascinated by how complicated it is to have clear communication with men, and even though we use the same words, are we actually speaking the same language? So much of what we say gets lost in translation and filtered through feelings and irrelevant points of view.
I was listening to the birds outside easily singing to each other without any hidden meaning or confusion. There are no agendas, plans, schemes, lies. Judgements. The birds do not stress over every text or bad date. They play and communicate with total ease.
So what would it take for us to have more ease listening to and speaking with men? First we need to acknowledge the separation between men and women, and the lies that are creating this polarization. We are so dynamically twisted against men, and we have seen the hatred many men have against women on a global scale. We see the harm it is causing. We take turns dominating each other, and most of us have probably given up on any hope that we can be on the same team.
We also need to be aware of the words we use as well as the points of views we have about men and about ourselves. Our judgements, positive and negative, immediately separate us from each other. Not just men from women but women from women and men from men.
If you judge anyone as right or wrong, good or bad, you are creating a distance between you and them. It is a very easy way to reject someone. Which most of us look for even when we are choosing to be in a relationship, we always keep an escape route in our mind or build a wall between us, thinking we are keeping a safe distance or a comfortable distance from getting hurt. The trouble with this is that when we refuse to be vulnerable to avoid getting hurt, guess what else we are avoiding?We are also avoiding our lives and relationships becoming stronger and greater!
So first thing first, we lower our walls and barriers, allowing our vulnerability to fill that space instead and be honest with ourselves about what we believe is true. Are you scared of being alone? Do you think men only care about sex? Have you decided that you need a man? There are so many points of view to the moon and back about the differences between men and women that pit us against each other. We hear we are opposite sexes, men are strong, women are weak, women are emotional, men are insensitive, yada, yada, yada and even when we hear a different narrative like how powerful women are, it’s still in opposition to men.
Is any of it actually true? What do you know that is beyond what you believe? How many points of view about men and women, love and relationships, are you willing to leave behind? Who do they belong to? If those judgments did not actually belong to you, are they necessary or relevant to hold on to? And are they contributing to you having the life and relationship you truly desire?
Every word we use matters. Our words can either create or destroy. Which is why it is so easy to stay in the fight against men, because we have given so much weight to proving our points of views right, using our voices and speaking out for what we believe in, that no matter how we spin it, if we are right, men are wrong. And around and around we go, separating farther and farther apart.
At the same time as all of the separation and destruction between men and women continue, we also seem to desperately want to be close to each other. Regardless of being in sexual relationships with men which of course not every woman desires, we seek to be close to men such as our fathers, brothers, sons, and friends. And if you don’t, what have you decided is wrong about them?
How do we begin to let go of our agendas and judgments with men? Every time you acknowledge your point of view you can change it with these extremely simple tools: first ask “who does this belong to?” Keep asking that question for the rest of your life for every thought, feeling and emotion that comes along. The more you ask this question, the more clarity you have of what is actually true for you.
For example, one of my points of views about men is that they walk out of my life. This one point of view has provided me with plenty of drama in my marriage. When I ask “who does this belong to,” I immediately go back to the moment I knew my Dad was divorcing my mom. As children, we desire to take our parents’ points of view and prove them true. Which resulted in instead of men pushing me away, I pushed them away but blamed them for leaving. Then I could be right, or at least prove my parent’s judgments right. Yuck.
What’s so interesting to me, looking at it now, is no matter how convinced I was that men just walk out whenever they feel like it, my husband is actually the total opposite. He follows me around the house like a puppy. Especially when I stopped making him wrong and assuming he was going to leave me.
Who does this belong to? Again, this question is your new best friend to letting go of all of your agendas, judgments, inventions, lies, conclusions, even your very definition of men. Is any of it yours? What is true for you?
Another amazing tool that has completely changed my life and especially my marriage, is “interesting point of view, I have this point of view…. Interesting point of view, he has this point of view… interesting point of view you have this point of view… interesting point of view, I have this point of view…. Interesting point of view, you have this point of view about my point of view….
*have people look at a relationship and practice ipov
Did you notice it was hard to hold on to your point of view? Did anything change?
If everything is interesting, no one has to be right or wrong. Our commitment to right and wrong is what we must let go of if we are going to learn to listen and speak with men, to create something greater together, instead of destroying each other and also ourselves
This is also where we can acknowledge what we mean by relationships. What is a relationship? Why do we assume that it means the same thing to everyone? The actual definition includes how two things separate, and sharing the burden. Which again, the words we use matter, so knowing what you have defined relationships as and what your points of view about men are, is essential to bringing you closer to men.
Now, how many judgments just came up for you? Becoming more honest with yourself can also dig up our judgments of ourselves, mostly because we feel we have been getting love so wrong for so long. I know that feeling deeply. And who does it belong to? Interesting point of view, you have that point of view. And you can also ask your barriers to go down, barriers down, barriers, down… what if judgements are coming up not because you are wrong, but because you are ready to let go of them? Breath in and say hello to all of them …. Hi! Hi judgments! And breathe out, and let them leave your body and mind with your breath…. (poc/pod silently)
Judgments are lies. They are not real. They are not relevant. We give them energy and significance to distract and stop ourselves from being great. Have you ever changed anything for the greater by judging it as right or wrong, good or bad? If that worked we wouldn’t be having a conversation about talking to men because we would rule them with our judgments! And we would all be happy with our perfectly judged bodies. Okay and now let’s breathe in again and let go of all of those judgments while we are at it.
How do you know when you are in judgement? We all know because it feels like shit when you are judging or buying a judgment. When you justify anything as good, bad, right, wrong, you are in judgement. Don’t overthink it. When you are asking questions, lowering your barriers, an interesting point of view, choosing what makes you happy, you are not in judgment. You are going to be aware of the incessant judgment all around you but what if you could stop holding on to any of it or ever make it significant?! If you stop judging yourself or men, or women… everything will work itself out. Do you know how many men are desperate to be loved by a woman who doesn’t make them wrong?
