What if, since judgment is a lie, you refused to ever make someone, including yourself, wrong? And what if, just because you are aware that someone is making a choice against what you know they desire, or against what they claim to believe, unless they are in immediate physical harm, you also refuse to “help them” make better choices?
This is where another incredible tool can change everything, which is ALLOWANCE. Having allowance for someone is knowing that they will choose what works best for them without any judgement from you, even if somewhere you know you would not make the same choices. Having allowance for yourself is acknowledging what you are choosing and again, never concluding that you are right or wrong, good or bad for any of your choices.
But isn’t it important to tell the truth to our partners and lovers? Isn’ t sharing all of our thoughts, feelings and emotions how we show we love and care? Nope! First of all, let’s admit that everyone lies. Second, telling the truth about your feelings and thoughts is not actually telling the truth, it’s telling your lies because they were never yours in the first place!
Tell yourself the truth, or better yet what if you asked yourself for the truth? Truth? What’s true for ME? If you can trust yourself not to go into total judgment, being totally honest with yourself does not have to be so brutal! It is tricky enough to avoid judging yourself, trying not to judge your partner when telling them what you have decided is true, is MUCH trickier, everyone knows when they are being judged, even if you don’t say anything.
So no SHARING! Love and happiness do not require for you to share your hopes, dreams, fears, plans, schemes, and insecurities with your lover or partner! Or anyone really! Sharing will not bring you closer in the long run, it might feel like a good idea to prove to each other that you are putting work into the relationship, but what if you could just choose to enjoy the relationship without proving it? And would most men rather you share your feelings, or share your gratitude and joy by being close to them?
Many women and men share their thoughts and feelings because they are hoping to hear what they want to hear in return. If you are holding onto any expectations, projections, fantasies or delusions that a man is going to give you or provide you with something you do not have yourself, besides a penis, you are buying a complete lie as real and true. This is not to say that men do not offer more than something physical, but they are not the answers to whatever problems we are pretending to have.
How do we begin listening? First, we shut up. Silence. And not filling your head with distracting thoughts, staying present and choosing to listen without turning our heads for squirrels or anything else. Allow yourself to become vulnerable, and ask your barriers and walls to go down, just by saying “barriers down,” and just relaxing without checking out or spacing out, keep your eye contact direct but soft with your lover/partner/anyone, and refuse to interrupt them while they speak. Only respond if they ask you a question or if you have a question that has no judgment attached. Interesting point of view, very quietly in your head, can create so much ease and space for you and your partner to speak.
We all desire to be heard, seen and allowed to be ourselves. Not just once in a while but every day. We can complain that some men just want sex but is that also a desire to be received? Side question, are you making men wrong for how much they desire sex from you? And are you avoiding listening to them because you do not want to have sex with them?
Ok, so I wasn’t planning to go here but sex is obviously one of the ways we talk to eachother and is essential to most romantic relationships. Its also dawning on me how much of what a boy tells you is filtered through his desire to have sex with you. So if you are avoiding listening and talking to men, and/or if you do not desire to have sex with them, do you actually desire a relationship?
I know, this can all be confusing and I still feel clueless in my marriage sometimes. The great news is that you do not really have to have it all figured out, you can always return to asking questions to figure out what works for you in this moment. What if your relationship didn’t have to be a certain way? What if it could actually change, even transform into something you do not even recognize, and when in doubt, return to questions and follow the pleasure!
If you are interested in creating a date, an adventure, a lifetime… with anyone, ask them questions and see what begins to shift and change for both of you! Here are some great questions to ask if you would like to begin to have creationships instead of relationships and change the way we BOY TALK.
- What would a great relationship look like for you?
- If our relationship wasn’t based on yesterday, what would you like to create tomorrow?
- What future would you really like to choose?
- Is there something you desire for our life together that I can contribute to creating?
- How does it get any better than this?
- What would you like to create together in the next five years?
- How much fun can we have today?
Happy love life…..
