Instead of coming to conclusions about the definitions and meaning of everything and everyone, what if you allowed yourself to acknowledge the energy you are perceiving? Like I love the energy beneath holding hands with someone for the first time, the tingling excitement of touching each other with that intimacy for the first time. Or the energy when someone really makes me laugh, especially when we aren’t supposed to, like my cousin used to make me laugh in church, or the energy of my kids when they are relaxed in my arms. The energy of my husband when he isn’t taking life seriously and is being funny and cute. These are all energies, not definitions, I can acknowledge I love and would like to have more of. And the more I am willing to know what makes me truly happy, the more all of that shows up in my life, and not just from the places I expect them to show up! Especially, from out of left field, around the corner, sneaking up out of nowhere… again, what you truly desire will never show up the way you expect them to.
If you are willing to let go of all of your hopes and dreams, all of your control and plans, how much fun can you have allowing the universe to surprise you WHICH INCLUDES YOU SURPRISING YOURSELF! How much more of YOU can you discover if you let go of your very definitions of yourself? How much more of you is available to love? Available for your lover? Your children? YOU? And how much fun can you have changing your definition of love and allowing your relationship to change?
What does love mean to you? If you had your own definition of a relationship, what would it be? The actual definition of a relationship includes two people sharing the burden, or how two people separate themselves from one another to have distance to relate back to each other. I thought both of these definitions were so odd because it definitely seems like most people are assuming the opposite to be true, that relationships are two people having zero distance between them and are united as one.
And it’s not only the definition of relationships that are totally the opposite of reality, it’s everything we were ever taught… women are more emotional than men? Is that true for all of you? If a guy is into you he will make the first move? Now I maybe got that one from tv but I was friends with my husband for 8 years before he finally asked if he could kiss me and then years after we were married share that he had always liked me and all I would have had to do to be his girlfriend was knock on his door.
How to know what is true for you? If you had never heard of relationships, would you find yourself in one? Like I mentioned before, we are aware of everyone else’s definitions too, so how do you know what is actually true and relevant to you? Ask yourself questions starting with the word, truth? What is true for me? Me? Truth? And when something is true for you, you know it and you feel lighter and clearer.
When things are heavy and confusing, sticky and weird, those are the signs that something isn’t true for you. Who does this belong to is your new best friend if you choose to ask it. Even if there is a pain in your body, you can ask, body does this belong to you? See what you perceive changes the more you ask this question. Oh my gosh, ask who does this belong to when you feel attracted to someone! Was Brad Pitt really my celebrity crush or was I aware of something in the air?Have you ever been attracted to someone you ended up having zero chemistry with?
Were you aware of what you truly desire or did that feeling you didn’t realize was your awareness belong to someone else? I know its fucking weird but who does it belong to? Do you ever cry or get turned on watching tv? Do you feel sad or are you just aware of the sadness you are watching? And what do you want to be watching and paying attention to if what you are looking at is what creates your entire life, including the yummiest relationships way beyond what you can imagine?
Who does it belong to? Is this mine? These questions continue to change my relationships because there are layers upon layers of reference points and objectives in relationships that we pick up on and are definitely never taught to question and encouraged to turn into our own problems somehow. You are majorly fucked up if you don’t have a great relationship right? That was my point of view. I am mortified to share but not really because I think it is a complete crock of shit sold to all of us and we can change our point of view to crock of possibilites 🙂
You are not wrong for anything my friends, including your relationship status. You’re not wrong if your boyfriend is depressed right now. You’re not wrong if he didn’t propose yet. You’re not wrong if you got pregnant. You are not wrong if you are not having sex. You are not wrong if you have been hurt. You are not wrong, you are not wrong, you are not wrong. And will you please consider letting go of all of the judgments that point you down the tunnel of wrongness? And if you don’t believe me, I get it and maybe try asking the question, if I wasn’t wrong, and I could never get it right, what would I choose? What would you choose for fun? Oh no, the f word. And just so you know I edited a lot of f-bombs out of my notes for this call.
But do you ever wonder why we don’t have SO much more fun in our love-lives? In our daily lives for that matter. But if we are all pretending relationships are about sex and intimacy, being one with your best friend till you die, shouldn’t it be more fun? How many relationships do you see where both people have a blast together and are getting happier? My #couplegoals are Megan Mulally & Nick Offerman because you can tell they have so much fun together being their hilarious selves. When I think of relationships that are successful in my life they are sweet and comfortable with each other, in a nice routine that works for them.
Is that enough? Sometimes, maybe all the time because I wonder about this a lot, I wish that a comfortable relationship was my end goal. It would be much easier in theory at least, to know that my husband and I were going to raise our kids in my hometown and have date nights on Thursdays and my parents could help us and we would stay on a budget and go to Hawaii every other year but make sure to go to every family event we were beckoned to and I am boring myself talking about this because we actually lived that way for many years and no, I know that will never be enough. Not because we didn’t have a lovely house and enough money to raise our kids in a nice town, it simply was not true for me. Even if it made sense to my neighbors or was the sensible way to live, I couldn’t pretend that having a comfortable home was making me happy.
I know this is not true for many people but for me, I feel like I am hurting myself if I am not moving toward a place beyond my comfort zone. Is it natural to find your comfort zone and stay there? Do trees decide to stop growing toward the sun or is every one of them seeking the light and grow stronger? Have we been tricked into staying in comfort zones to make everyone else feel comfortable? And if they are comfortable, maybe they won’t judge us?
Is that working? Everyone is going to judge you anyway! No matter what. You know you are being judged all the time. Do you spend more time with people who make you right or make you wrong? Do you have a family that makes you wrong so you love being with your friends who are endlessly devoted to positively judging you? Or does your family make you right? Or fight for their point of view? The good news is that we can begin to receive judgement in a different way, if we stop avoiding it and never ever judge ourselves. Sounds easy right?
If that sounds impossible, one question you can begin asking yourself is what if I am not as wrong as I think I am? What if I am not as fucked up as I think I am? Who does this wrongness belong to? And its okay if you also just want to be wrong. Could you have more fun being more wrong?
Again this is just your choice and what if you could choose your own definitions and thereby choose your love-life? You are going to be suffering if you are hoping and praying that your crush or boyfriend, wife, friend anyone else on the fucking planet is going to have the same defintions and the same points of view that you do! What if we did not have to have the same points of view to have amazing relationships? What if you didn’t have to share your stories or believe in each other’s hopes and dreams. What if we could have totally different possibilities with each other every day? Could being undefined be delightful?
There is an entire world of intimacy and fun available to us if we are willing to ask questions and stay in curiosity, wonder and gratitude that we are the creators of everything that shows up in our lives. If you would like to create your life based on your true desires
- I wonder…
- Creating your life, creationships, what it’s all about
