What if you let go of all of your expectations for now, you can pick them up after class or go buy shiny new ones later, and start taking a look at what’s working and what is not working in your relationship? What works for you? Not what you expect, what actually works for you?
A great way to figure out if it’s time to break up is ask yourself, “what ten things would have to change for this relationship to work for me?” If you write it down, you can look at each answer and ask, “is this true? What is actually true for me?” You might realize there are things on your list that you once cared about that do not seem as important. Which ones are loudest? Which ones are vital to your happiness? And then, which ones would be unkind to ask my partner to change? Or unreasonable?
And then tear that list up and let it all go and choose what you know in that moment will make you the happiest. It’s ok to tell someone, “I do not want to make you wrong, but this part of our relationship is not working and it is unkind for me to ask you to change. So I need to make a change for myself.” This can open up the conversation for your partner to share where they are at in the relationship, what might not be working for them, and most likely, your willingness to be vulnerable will open the door for them to share.
Have you ever started a difficult conversation that ended up transforming your relationship? I was just talking to my friends who are a couple about having difficult conversations instead of avoiding them, and the remarkable moments where you think it might be over and you are one step away from breaking up, and instead you keep talking and suddenly you find yourselves closer than you were before the discussion. Usually you think you are fighting about one thing and something completely different shows up that is essential for you both to acknowledge. Our problems are usually not what we think they are, and they do not have to break up any relationship.
When you are tempted to ignore your partner or avoid talking to them, remember that whatever the upset seems to be, most of the time there is something unspoken or something we are avoiding acknowledging. Be patient and what if you could even be grateful that you do not have to understand the solution to every problem? Those aren’t really problems, everything can change and nothing is ever stuck. Or have you decided there is no way things can get better?
When you are at your breaking point, or so frustrated you can’t relax, take a deep breath, and do the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. Keep breathing, and choose to do one kind thing for your partner, not a nice thought or feeling, don’t force yourself to think positively about them; while allowing yourself to be upset, start folding their laundry, or making something they like for dinner. I especially encourage you to do something for them that they don’t like to do themselves, for my husband its laundry so in our worst fights I have cleaned his closet for three hours.
Instead of taking off to meet my girlfriends at the bar and talk shit about him behind his back, I put all of my energy into something that will show him I am choosing him, even if I am upset. I know I can always walk out of the door, but usually by the time the closet is finished, we have made up and moved on with more gratitude and kindness toward each other. A clean closet can inspire you both to choose each other and create your future together. Whatever the upset or fight, it usually just needs space to dissipate. We have to choose to hold onto our feelings. Do you know what is so much more fun to focus on than feelings? Your future!
Do you look at your future together? This is another great step to take before breaking up. Are you creating a future together? What is the future you are creating? Is it the future you desire? Are there parts of it you desire? Things you know you do not desire? This is where desire can give you everything you need to know! You know what you desire! You know if you desire the life you are living. You know if you desire to have sex. You know and your desires know you too! What if, what you truly desire, desires you right back?
What if, even when it’s awkward, or uncomfortable, you look toward the life and relationship you truly desire? What if you keep choosing what works best for you, and let your partner choose what they need to choose, while inviting them to be at your side and continuing to have their back? Can you imagine what that would be like? Would you dare defy all expectations to have something greater?
Choose greater, not less, always from a space of creating more. If you try to create together because you need a relationship, or you need money, is that true? Do you feel attracted to neediness? What if instead of looking for what you need, you start to look at what’s going to create the most for everyone? And again, let your desires lead the way! I know this is very strange, but choosing toward your desire, creates possibilities for everyone’s desires to show up as if by magic!
Relationships don’t have to be such hard work. They of course are difficult sometimes, but mostly because we pretend to be clueless when we know what works for us. We get scared, don’t want to hurt each other, buy so many lies and fantasies, want to avoid breaking or having a broken heart, fall for the fantasy relationship or person, feel like fools in love! And we are! We are often fools in love but what if we could be happy fools instead of suffering ones?!
What if we could even enjoy letting a relationship end? Or transform into a friendship? Or a business? What if not every break up was something to cry over but something to celebrate? A friend of mine I will invite to join me on this podcast sometime is Julie Tuton, author of Beauty in the Break-Up, and I was just telling her how much I love that title. What beauty is there in breaking up? What if we looked for the beauty in the failure?
Failure is another lie that causes us to separate from each other. What looks like failure is actually a step toward happiness and success. Life and love will always show up differently than we expect. If we try to avoid whatever we think failing is, we will also avoid living our greatest life, and whatever we have decided success is.
Nothing has to be wrong for you to move on. Can you imagine breaking up with total joy? Without having to separate and reject someone? What if you didn’t need a list of reasons and justifications to choose something or someone else? If you were being you, not consumed with how to handle the upset of a break up and everyone else’s opinions of how difficult and sad breaking up is, would you be FREE to choose whoever and whatever is the most fun and going to create the most toward what you desire?
How many kisses and touches, friends, lovers, moments, adventures, orgasms, do we miss out on because we follow our feelings and have to respond appropriately and match the drama and pain of everyone else? Can you imagine breaking up and then celebrating what you have created together? Celebrating your freedom to choose and choose again? And again?
What if you never looked for reasons to break up, but always looked toward adding more to your life and finding out who can keep up with you as you choose GREATER?
