So when you are going through your list and asking if the desire is yours or belongs to someone else, pay attention to what energy comes up or if a thought pops into your head, that is your awareness. If something is true for you, it makes you feel lighter and brighter. If something is a lie for you, you feel heavy and confused.
When you know something is true for you, acknowledge it. Which means do not just keep it in the back of your mind, if you desire something, admit it to yourself and if you are willing to have it in your life, ask for whatever you desire to show up.
If you realize you are choosing something that might not be true for you, or seems to be a good idea but actually makes you feel bad about yourself, you can ask: who does this belong to? Who am I being right now? Often we are in reaction to our parents and mimicking their behavior or rebelling against their choices, either way, when we are avoiding or aligning ourselves with our parents, or anyone else, we are not choosing what will work best for us.
What if knowing what we desire is the key not only to great relationships but a great life? And when I say know what you desire, that does not mean you have to be extremely specific with your list of desires, such as : I desire a man who is 6ft 2 inches tall, lives in a mansion, and drives a black BMW. There is nothing wrong with being that specific, but are you actually limiting who can show up? And is that what you actually desire or is that vision of a man in your fantasy or someone else’s projections and judgments of a desirable man?
Take a look at the relationships you witnessed growing up and the relationships you see today, are there any relationships you admire and desire for yourself? Or are there parts of them you desire? And what if you didn’t have to pinpoint exactly what it is you specifically desire, but start looking at what you would like your relationship to BE like, not just look like.
When my husband and I went to Paris for our belated honeymoon we noticed how many couples just walked around the city making out. There was this fun, lighthearted and romantic vibe as you walked in the streets and throughout the museums and shops. We had fun playing in that flirtatious energy, getting dressed up and drinking champagne. What if you could ask for a relationship where you never stopped flirting with each other? Where your bodies stayed turned on and happy when you touch? You can ask for your relationship to BE something different, and what would you like to have as your relationship or non relationship that is more fun than anything you have ever seen?
So how do we ask for what we truly desire without putting limitations on what the universe can surprise us with? One very easy way is to ask: How does it get any better than this? This question will change everything if you remember to ask it, whenever something great happens or when you are struggling through a challenge, asking how does it get any better than this will invite something better to show up, without you having to decide what would be better and how to force it to be better. So this is also a great question to ask when you feel stuck and are not sure of what you desire.
We can also discover what we truly desire to create for ourselves if we begin looking at the elements of intimacy, which if we are willing to commit to having true intimacy with ourselves, we can also share our love with others. Now of course great sex is likely something we all desire and we know is a part of being in love, but true intimacy includes gratitude, allowance, vulnerability, honor, and trust.
As you begin looking at what you desire for your living and relationships, you can ask questions about these elements of intimacy and start acknowledging where you are choosing intimacy and where you are struggling to be intimate with you and others.
What about you are you grateful for? What is great about you? What gift are you in the world? Acknowledging where you have gratitude for yourself will make it easier for others to share their gratitude for you. How much confidence would you have if you were actively grateful for being yourself?
This is not an invitation to positively judge yourself. Gratitude is different from positive judgement. For example, “I am grateful that I always ask my husband to talk instead of staying upset with him,” is expressing gratitude, but “I’m right and he’s wrong because I insist on talking and he would just give up if I didn’t say anything,” is a judgement. Anytime someone is right or wrong, good or bad, you are not in gratitude.
Trust is another key to intimacy. Do you trust yourself to know what is true for you? Are you vulnerable with yourself? Do you honor yourself and truly hold you in regard? And are you in allowance of your choices or do you make yourself wrong? We cannot trust someone else if we are not willing to trust ourselves. In fact, trust is actually trusting that you know what is true for, and that you are likely going to choose tomorrow what you chose today. Same as with a partner, trusting that they will never hurt you is not really trust but blind faith. Trusting your partner is knowing that they will choose whatever works for them, and they will also likely choose tomorrow what they chose today. Again, just like gratitude, trust comes with no judgment of right or wrong.
And then we go onto honor. When it comes to intimacy, honoring means holding in regard. Do you hold yourself in regard? Or your partner? You can ask, what would I choose if I were holding myself in regard? And when you choose relationships, ask yourself what they require to be honored in the relationship? Do you need to ask them? I know for my husband, it is not honoring to have sex with other men, or make fun of him in front of his friends, or keep my headphones on while he is talking instead listening to him. And I know that holding me in regard includes going on walks or going to bed before midnight, and saying no when something does not work for me.
Being in a relationship and having true intimacy also requires vulnerability, and a lot of it. If only we could be vulnerable for a moment and then thrive in our relationships from the space of our comfort zones. That’s just not how it works and how many relationships decay and die in comfort? What if what it takes to have a thriving relationship, and a life of joy, requires us to be uncomfortable, constantly changing, moving, choosing…. Etc? How comfortable is an orgasm? How much vulnerability does having an orgasm require? Does loving a man require? Does being loved require? When you feel your barriers go up, you can ask, “if I were totally being vulnerable with me here, what could I choose?”
And last but not least, and absolutely essential, is the element of allowance. To have true intimacy with ourselves or anyone, we have to have allowance. Allowance is not tolerance or forgiveness, both which require us to judge someone as right or wrong first. Allowance is acknowledging what you or another person are choosing, without going into judgment whatsoever. It’s not avoiding anyone, or letting someone treat you badly, but allowing everyone to choose what they will, and always choosing what works for you.
And when we are willing to have allowance for ourselves, that could also include allowing our desires to change? We are constantly changing and growing and moving. Your point of view is different every ten seconds, what if you allowed yourself to choose in every ten seconds instead of now and forever after?
What if you are allowed to desire whatever you desire?
This question might take a while to consider. I don’t know if I have really grasped how different my life would be if I had never made any of my desires wrong or too much. If I never gave up any part of me to make someone else happy. I honestly wonder how much of myself I have left behind in hope of being what I thought someone wanted me to be.
And how much pain just came up in your heart or chest, your mind, I know this is a very difficult question, but how much have you given up yourself for relationships? How much of you have you left behind? And to twist this knife more, did leaving yourself behind to make others happy actually work? Do you have the life you desire if you do not have all of you?
And what would it take:
To know what you desire comes to you with ease.
To follow whatever is light and fun.
Ask from the space of pleasure and possibility.
Stop giving anyone a reason to say NO to whatever you are asking for.
Acknowledge our true desires and ask for the universe to surprise us with however they show up
Live from the space of knowing that with NO reason or justifications, everything we are choosing is on its way
You are allowed to desire whatever you desire
And what if everything you truly desire, desires you too?
How does it get any better than this?
