We spend an awful lot of time over thinking about every fu**ing word that comes out of everyone’s mouths! Over and over again, we choose relationships and then we talk about relationships, we talk in our relationships and then we think about everything we talk about and spend every waking moment and many restless nights, tossing and turning words in our heads, and discerning and judging every single word, writing our sad love songs, and then we go to therapy or our friends and talk again about all of words and conversations that fu**ed us up since childhood.
“He said this, she said this,” and around and around we go! We need to talk about this with our partners, and we need to talk about that, and being close means we need to tell each other everything, and don’t forget to be brutally honest and share your truth, and what about your feelings? Let’s talk about feelings and then cry about our feelings and then share more feelings because we love each other. And then we can try to understand or have a nice fight about never being understood, and look for the right words, or an expert to tell us what words we should say to fix our problems because he doesn’t understand or get me, and someone needs to fix us.
Is talking how we clearly communicate, or our #1 go-to coping-mechanism that we are totally addicted to? Some of us much more than others. And I am having fun talking today and even though this is a podcast where you hear me talk every week, if you were in my daily life you would be surprised how little I speak. My husband and I have a joke that is 100% true that he shares every detail and I none at all. In fact, if I could figure out how to walk out the door without telling him what I have planned or not planned for the day, without being a complete jerk I would. Every morning, he asks what my plans are and every day, I open my mouth and report that I have this meeting, or errands, or want to go get coffee… because that’s what we do in relationships right? We talk.
Where is all this talk getting us? Do you understand men? Women? What does anyone mean when they say I love you? Or are we more confused than ever? How many books have been written trying to translate the crazy things we say when we are in love!? From the moment I started having crushes on boys or they liked me, or having friends, I immediately sensed the hidden lies, shame, confusion we have when it comes to lust and our desires for each other. And most of the confusion came from older women who instead of asking me questions or any gentle guidance, furiously pointed out to me when a boy or man wanted my attention or body, unfortunately, usually, out of jealousy.
I knew we weren’t supposed to talk about how uncomfortable sexual desire and lust made us as kids. I love my parents and I have absolutely no memory of anyone talking to me about what to do if a boy grabs you or someone tries to kiss you. Or if you want to kiss someone. Our parents do not want to think about us getting hurt or being sexual so the words we many of us need to hear are not said but avoided. In fact most of us are 100% expected not to say the word sex as chidren. And how quickly do parents shut down or react when their children do say something sexual? I honestly would not have known how to talk to my mom about boys without getting them or me shut down with judgment or how to talk to my dad without breaking his heart. So I said nothing.
We know how magical and life changing words can be, they can also lead to death. My Grandmother Shirley told us she had the most dangerous job in the world, teaching English. Words can carry judgments and lies, insanity and beauty. Words create, and destroy. We will spend billions of dollars on the right marketing, we pay for the words we use and we pay for the words we hear. What words do you use as weapons? As manipulations? Is every word you say full of sh**? Or just a few? What words do you tell yourself and keep on repeat in your mind? What words turn you on or break your heart? What words do you control your lover with? What words are you avoiding? Addicted to? What words are bad? Ooh I love these questions!
And meanwhile, what’s not being said? What is not being said in your lovelife or anywhere in your life? Is there something you have been holding onto for ten years? Or a day? A fear, a lie, a secret, a desire???? Is there somewhere you or your partner require clarity? What is that? It might be that you need to say you don’t like something they do in bed, or that you are worried you are spending too much money, or worried about their health, what needs to be said out loud? And often, not always, you don’t even have to say it to your partner. I am shocked time and time again when I ask myself what’s not being said, acknowledge it, and it clears the air, no longer needing to be spelled out or explained.
But there are things that we have to say out loud to our partner that might sound harsh or make one or likely both of us very uncomfortable. Are there difficult conversations you are avoiding that are only getting louder in your mind or have turned into one heavy fu**ing elephant in the room of your love life? As much as I don’t like to talk for the sake of talking, when I need to say something, I almost always say it, and now more than ever, as of this past weekend, I am even willing to tell someone to shut the fu** up when that is what needs to be said.
And there is plenty I have avoided saying out loud without even realizing I was avoiding certain topics but the more and more I say what I know I need to either say or ask, especially in my marriage, the more I trust that we can create something different by choosing our words as best we can and not taking every word as a personal attack. What are you avoiding saying out loud? And take a deep breath, and relax. Whatever it is, whatever you are certain is too unkind to say, I promise, you can handle it. I can’t promise your partner can handle it, but it is crucial that you find out if you are in a relationship with someone who can hear you and speak for themselves.
A lovely friend of mine Syrita told me once that she trusted her lover was ok when she wasn’t around. She said it casually but it really struck me how valuable it is to trust that the people in your life, including your closest intimate relationships, are the leaders of their own lives and will choose what works best for them. She didn’t have to worry about anyone to prove she cared about them. And she didn’t have to avoid anyone either, she was available and kind. Imagine the freedom of trust!? Of course in order to trust that anyone else is ok without you, you have to trust that you are ok with you.
If you know you need to say something in order for you to be ok, you don’t have to have a big long fu**ing explanation and reasons of why you are justified in needing something. If you need to sleep instead of staying up late, if you need to have money in your bank account instead of eating out, whatever it is, if you know it, say it! I remember telling my boyfriend, now husband, that I wanted to live just with him and no roommates, or that I wanted to pack our lives up and move to Los Angeles, or that we should start businesses together, or that I was pregnant, I say it out loud because if I don’t the words only gets louder in my head!
Is there something you are avoiding saying out loud? How much energy does it take to avoid it? How much of the pain in your relationships is creating pain in your body? If we can hold onto thoughts in our mind, somewhere we are also holding onto them in our bodies. If you feel you can’t handle something or someone, your body holds on to that feeling until you are ready to let it go. How many times have you gone to the doctor or emergency room and they do every test they can think of searching for your problem and can’t find it? What if the problems you think you have with your body began with words?
What are you proving with the words you are choosing? What are you refusing with the words you are avoiding?What if you could choose to create with words? Or destroy? Sometimes things and relationships and lies need to be killed, or have a natural ending that simply need to be acknowledged. We don’t want to hurt each other, as if we can fu**ing avoid that, avoiding getting hurt requires for one or both of you to pretend you don’t know what needs to be said.
And guess what, we signed up to get hurt! We suited up to step on the field as hardcore players in the game of love. I love the line in the movie Say Anything, (what an appropriate title for my podcast today) where John Cusack exclaims to his friends who say they don’t want him to get hurt by his crush, “I want to get hurt!!” Wherein lies my theory, we are more than willing to suffer for love and dare I say, enjoy the pain. We must enjoy the pain because we create and choose more of it, especially with the words we say and the words we avoid saying.
